Just keep smilin'...

2011-05-24T07:57:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I've updated.. A lot of things have been happening and I've been so busy trying to keep my mind occupied. I don't like to talk about anything too personal, that's one reason why I stopped blogging a long time ago. I feel that nobody needs to know these things about me. I feel like they wouldn't really care if they did anyway. There's a difference between the people who care and the people who are curious. But I'm getting to the point to where I just want to talk, write, anything to try to straighten my thoughts out.

I've come to learn that I can't spend too much time alone anymore. Sometimes, the silence can really get to me. I've found that ever since dad died, the silence can be my worst enemy. There is so much stored in my memory that it could possibly drive one crazy. And it doesn't matter what I try to tell people... Nobody will ever understand. So, I'm done trying to explain myself to others. What I say is simply what I say.

We finally moved out of our apartment and into another one. I was relieved to leave, because of what happened after we first moved into the first one three years ago. We hadn't been moved in for a week before my father passed away. The pain seemed to seep into the walls because every day that I'd wake up, it'd remind me of what happened. We never wanted to move away from Woodbine. I never expected my father to die like he did. We never asked for any of this to happen... but it did. And since it did happen, I was living with the constant reminder of the tragedy every time I opened my eyes. It left me feeling empty inside... oh, so empty. We've been trying to look at this move as a new chapter. We're slowly trying to bring ourselves up to our feet, but we're scared. I guess you can say we're scared of life and we're scared of the unknown... and scared of the pain... especially the pain that awaits.

I'm just trying to take life one step at a time; one day at a time. It's the only thing I really know how to do. I'm okay with that as long as everything important is taken care of. I can rest knowing that God is always there for me, even though I don't deserve it at all. If it wasn't for my faith, I think I would've went insane a long time ago.

2011-02-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

It's been three years ago today since my father passed away. And a day doesn't pass by where I don't think about it... or him. I miss him so bad that it gets so overwhelming sometimes... I miss you, dad.

2011-02-05T03:36:00.001-08:00

I miss these days terribly.

2011-01-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

"Honestly people who have an irrational hatred towards Christians/Christianity are just as bad as homophobics." - Unknown

You wanna know one of my biggest comforts in life?

2011-01-24T16:23:00.001-08:00

I love Roseanne.

My baby.

2011-01-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

My Binxy.♥

2011-01-22T23:24:00.000-08:00

Something has got to give with my health. I need to stop ignoring the issues and start doing something about them. I'm fat. I've always been a bigger girl and honestly, I am VERY comfortable in my skin. It took a long time for me to get in the comfortable mind frame, let me tell you, but over the past little while, I've been facing some issues that have me worried. And I mean, these are issues that I really, REALLY need to consult a doctor about, but I'm not really in the financial situation to where I can. Within the next month, I plan on going to my family doctor and talking to him about this and seeking his help. I know it'll be once a month and I can do that. I honestly don't have much of a choice or else I'm going to die.

I would like to be thinner, but for the right reasons. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good and look good. I've found inspiration in people like Kelly Osbourne, who has lost a crap ton of weight on her own. I know that if she can do it, I can too. I have lost a lot of weight before, but due to certain events in my life, I went into a dark, downward spiral and stopped caring. Once I stopped caring, every bit of it PLUS some came back. I long to be the person that I was before the darkness and that's where I'm trying to get to. I know I can do it. I just got to face my problems head on and take them as they come. I know this is going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I'm a tough girl... I can handle it. And the results will be worth it in the end. So, I guess I'm going to start blogging about my weight loss journey too. Maybe someone will stumble on this and find it motivational. :-P

I'm really addicted to this song.

2011-01-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

2011-01-17T23:09:00.001-08:00

It's late and I should be in bed, but I drowned a Monster Java energy drink probably an hour before I clocked out of work (which was at 10pm). I knew it was a bad idea when I did it, but I needed the extra boost to help me get my tasks done. It's just been one of those days...

It's the little things at work that help me get through the day, like seeing specific people. They'll probably never know how much comfort they bring to me. I absolutely love working second shift at the store, no matter how busy it can get. Being in that specific atmosphere and around the people keep me from going insane. Just being around people in general helps me and I've been that way ever since dad died. People are people whether they're good, bad, stupid, intelligent, tolerable, or annoying. Each person is different and can bring different feelings, all of which keep my mind occupied.

I guess you can say I'm finally starting to get comfortable with where I'm at in life right now. My biggest goal right now is to save up enough money to get out on my own. I'm not looking for much... I just want to start building the life that I want. I want to start living in an environment that I want instead of an environment that I don't want (like negativity). I'm so tired of certain people that has managed to find their way into my life and their drama. I don't want any of it, but it somehow finds it's way to my doorstep and I think that once I'm out and away from all of this, it'll cease... a lot. I just want a simple, comfortable life. People might say that I'm mediocre, but hey... God brought us into this world with nothing and we're going to leave out of here with nothing. I'm fine with very little, just as long as the main essentials are taken care of. I'm a simple soul and I thank God everyday that the events that's happened in my life have made me that way.

I've been listening to a lot of Stone Sour and Slipknot tonight. Corey Taylor has a way with his lyrics that really get to me. I'm not big on metal at all, but there are a few slower songs that I absolutely adore. I'm just feeling nostalgic and I have been for awhile. I just need to hear something that will help with that. I really wish I was still in Woodbine and that dad was still around, but I've unfortunately lost all of that. It's been almost three years and the events that's happened have made me a stronger, wiser person, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. It will never stop hurting.

Some days are worse than others. But here lately, it's been almost everyday. Once I get home and everything is starting to settle down and get quiet, that desire in my heart sets in. The desire to be back home with life as normal as it could be is unbearable. I'm usually pretty good about this kind of stuff, but I don't know what it is. I just miss things.

Oh well. The only thing I can do is move forward and try to make my life as pleasant as possible. I don't want much out of life, really. I just want to be happy and it honestly doesn't take much to make me happy. I've got God in my life and that alone is enough. I'm no where near being the perfect Christian, but nobody is. Nobody in general is perfect. And once they realize that, the better off they'll be.

My clothes are done drying. They have been for awhile, but I've just been sitting here typing up this jumbled mess of a blog entry. I just had the sudden urge to do it and I knew that if I didn't, it would be awhile before I did another one, lol. I hope everyone is having a pleasant evening/morning. God Bless.

2011-01-16T21:41:00.001-08:00

This is a new year, which means that it's a new chapter in my life. Everything is going to take baby steps, but I will get to where I want to be. Especially with God in my life, anything is possible through Him. I'm done with the abuse that I've had to put up with for the past two years (give or take) and it's exhilarating to finally be able to say that.

Life... and stuff...

2011-01-08T11:52:00.001-08:00

I guess it's time for me to update. There's been so much going on that I'm just too tired to do anything. At least I'm busy...

Tomorrow will mark a whole month that I've been at my job, which is at a gas station. I really enjoy it there, just as long as I'm working the front registers and not the deli. I hope I don't get put permanently in the deli... I can't really complain though. At least I'm working. Work is all I do anymore. I don't mind it much at all because it keeps me out of the house and it keeps my mind busy. It feels like I've been there longer, because I've been going and hanging out there for hours on end for the past year [almost] now. I'm just glad that I've got that job and doing something with my time.

I worked third shift on New Years with my friend Mitchell. That's how I brought in my new year. Have you ever heard of the saying that whatever you're doing on New Years is what you're going to be doing for the rest of the year? lol.

My computer tore up a couple of weeks ago and I had to break down and spend all my check on a brand new computer tower. It sucks because I'm going to have to pinch my pennies this week. Thank God I get paid every week. I know that going out on a whim and buying a new computer tower was incredibly stupid, but the computer is my main social life. Everyone else in my life is either too busy or too far away from me, so my main entertainment lies on the computer. All I was doing was coming home, going to sleep, and waking up in time for work. It was getting frustrating.

As you call tell, my life is average. All my excitement lies at work and in my dreams.

Sunday Munich - Cell

2010-12-03T03:03:00.000-08:00

‎”All I ever needed is so far away. But I am waiting just one more day. If I can make it, just one more day.”

Rain, rain...

2010-12-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

RainyMood.com

The Cure - Lullaby [Music Video]

2010-11-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

“Be still be calm be quiet now, my precious boy. Don’t struggle like that or I will only love you more, for it’s much too late to get away or turn on the light. The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight.”

Thank you, God.♥

2010-11-01T23:12:00.001-07:00

God won't stop loving us.♥

2010-11-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

Sign♥

2010-11-01T07:18:00.001-07:00

Alexis♥

2010-10-27T17:21:00.001-07:00

Alexis was 17 years old and a well-liked, popular soccer player who had landed a scholarship. That didn’t stop her from being a target.

Rude comments and pictures were posted about her on Facebook and Formspring, on Formspring most of them were Anons.

She killed herself on March 21st, 2010.

Even after her death the comments continued to get posted. A Facebook page that was created in her memory was spammed with gruesome pictures of her with a noose around her neck.

One person wrote: “She was obviously a stupid depressed — who deserved to kill herself. she got what she wanted. be happy for her death. rejoice in it.”

Why is our generation so heartless?

Rest in peace Alexis. We will never forget you.

Do it!

2010-10-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

Step 1. Go to Google.
Step 2. Type In 'Who's the Cutest?'
Step 3. Click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'
Step 4. :)

♥

2010-10-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

Daddy♥

2010-10-27T16:42:00.001-07:00

Imperfect♥

2010-10-23T19:33:00.001-07:00

I was bullied in middle school and it STILL hurts, even after all these years.

2010-10-20T18:16:00.001-07:00

LOL!!

2010-10-20T02:54:00.000-07:00

Malcolm says:

*http://www.onecall.com/ImageCache/Skullcandy_Skullcandy-Smokin-Bud-S2SBBZ-JZ-Rasta_400x400_s.jpg

Malcolm says:

*My earbuds make me wanna go to Jamaica and get high with a bunch of black people.
*Never before has this happened.

Steve Roach - Truth in Passing

2010-10-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Always.

2010-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

"And when a heart breaks, no it don't break even..."

2010-10-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

I need you so much closer.

2010-10-12T01:51:00.000-07:00

So true.

2010-10-11T23:18:00.002-07:00

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.”

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”

2010-10-11T23:18:00.001-07:00

Realize what you have right in front of you, then maybe everything will finally fall into place.

2010-10-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

Boy: I broke up with her.
His Best Friend: What happened?
Boy: She’s just too much for me.
His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?
Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..
Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..
Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..
Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..
Boy: Well, she..
His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?
Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?
His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

LMAO!

2010-09-21T14:01:00.001-07:00

куℓιє вєтн† says:
*aww lol
*i wanna see thissss http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmByUgdi6wE

❝ нyσρησtic ❞ says:
*s'that the wes craven thingy?

куℓιє вєтн† says:
*yes lol

❝ нyσρησtic ❞ says:
*aha I knew the asian guy was gonna die.
*wheres the black guy?
*xD
*was that a black girl?
*oh there's two of em!
*they both are gonna die.

Love♥

2010-09-19T03:10:00.001-07:00

Ozzy Osbourne - Life Won't Wait

2010-08-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

I love you, Ozzy.
Everyone, watch this!

You can either run from it, or learn from it...

2010-08-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

To my New York family...

2010-08-23T15:29:00.001-07:00

I wish people were happy with what God's blessed them with...

2010-08-23T03:20:00.001-07:00

If I were a...

2010-08-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

If I were a month, I'd be October.
If I were a day of the week, I'd be Friday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be 11pm.
If I were a planet, I would be Pluto (it's still a planet to me).
If I were a sea animal, I'd be a dolphin.
If I were a direction, I'd be South.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a big, comfy bed.
If I were a liquid, I'd be Pepsi.
If I were a gemstone, I would be a diamond.
If I were a tree, I would be a Cherry Blossom.
If I were a tool, I'd be a hammer.
If I were a flower, I'd be a Bleeding Heart.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be a thunder storm.
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a piano.

If I were a color, I'd be brown.
If I were an emotion, I'd be relief.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a strawberry.
If I was a sound, I'd be the sound of light rain.
If I were an element, I would be water.
If I were a car, I'd be a GMC Envoy Denali.
If I were a food, I'd be a taco.
If I were a place, I would be a cemetery.

If I were a material, I'd be silk.
If I were a taste, I'd be sweet.
If I were a scent, I'd be clean linen.
If I were an object, I'd be a book.
If I were a body part, I'd be the hands.
If I were a facial expression, I'd be serious.
If I were a song, I would be "To All Of You" by CKY.
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be a pair of Vans.

If this isn't creepy, then I don't know what is.

2010-08-23T02:32:00.001-07:00

Cyber Bullying

2010-08-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

I don't think people realize how bad cyber bullying really is. Tonight, I discovered an 11 year old girl named Jessi Slaughter (not her real name of course) who had a mental breakdown on YouTube over cyber bullying. E L E V E N years old and having a mental breakdown... What's wrong with that picture? She probably did bring it onto herself (like a lot of people have claimed) but needless to say, she's still 11. She's not even a teen yet and probably hasn't even started her period. I don't think people realize how harsh words can be to an 11 year old. Her heart is fragile and words can cut so deep. And since she's so young, she doesn't really understand what she's getting herself into on the world wide web. So, when someone says something to her, she's definitely going to say something back. She doesn't know any better. People should know this. What if that was your child?

Well, I'm sure (and hoping) that your child wouldn't be on the internet unsupervised. That's what angers me about situations like this. A handful of kids who are victims of cyber bullying don't have the proper parental supervision. Where was Slaughter's parents when she was taking "adult-like" photograph's of herself and uploading these videos that apparently brought in the "trolls"? I'm not saying all victim's and their parents are like this, of course.

Like, look at the Megan Meier story. Megan's parents seemed to be great parents and they even supervised her activity on the internet. Unfortunately, Megan killed herself due to this "boy" she apparently fell head over heels for over MySpace. After her death, everyone found out that the "boy" eventually turned out to be another parent that lived on her street. Can you get anymore fucked up? You're supposed to be a mature adult... Why in the hell would someone do that? Megan was just a child herself and she was gone just as quickly as she came in and it's a terrible, sad story.

So, my question is, where are the parents?

And if you are supervising your child's activity, educate them more about the internet, about predators, and about "trolls"... Help them to be more aware of what's out there and what could happen. Cyber Bullying is starting to get ridiculous and it needs to be recognized more so than what it already is. It's happening more often than what we think and you never know who it might be affecting.

I was 14 years old when I first got the internet set up in my home. I definitely wasn't new to the world wide web, but it was the first time that I had an internet accessible computer in my house. At the time, I thought I was "mature" about what I was doing and that I possibly couldn't be much trouble. I was wrong.

That summer, I had a guy (an older man, mind you) in a Yahoo chat room tell me to go shoot myself in the head with my mommy's gun. I can't remember where that came from or what caused him to say it; all I know is that he and a few others weren't happy that a 14 year old was hanging out in an "adult" chat room. And these rooms weren't even "adult". They were public rooms and it was a Kentucky chat, so I thought I could make some friends from my home state (which that alone was dangerous enough, even though I didn't really think much of it at the time... I can now see why they were so upset about it). They apparently didn't buy that and thought I was going to 'cause some trouble. And I'm sure he (along with a few others) had one too many to drink...

Anyway, when he said that, it hurt and pissed me off. So, I told my cousin what happened and he and I spent that entire summer terrorizing this man and his friends. I couldn't tell you how many times we were booted and banned. Each time, we created a different account and just keep on. It got so bad that these people quit using that chat room and Yahoo all together and went to something else. I never heard from them again.

That man had no right telling me to go kill myself but I had no right to be in that chat room either. My parents trusted me on the internet, but I found myself getting into a lot of trouble with people. I was young and being stupid with everything.

There was another incident when I was just 15 years old. I had one man hack into my Yahoo account and found out EVERYTHING about me because I had lied to him and told him I'd meet him somewhere. I never had any intentions on meeting this dude, but this guy actually went to the place we agreed on and waited for me to show up. I never did and it's untelling how long he waited. It pissed him off to the extreme and the next day, I tried logging in and I couldn't. I got this gut feeling that he had something to do with it and luckily, I remembered his username. I IM'd him with another username and demanded to know what was going on. He eventually came clean about it and said he had hacked into my account. I remember him saying, "You're not who you say you are!" And I remember him calling me by my real name and saying my real age. It scared the hell out of me. We eventually worked something out. I remember promising that I'd never mess around with anyone like that again and he gave me back my username. I never did do anything like that again. I was just lucky (blessed, more like it) that nothing worse came out of that incident.

The point of these stories are that no matter how much your child can say that you can trust them, don't. Supervise what they do and give them a time limit on the computer. If they live under your roof, you should know what they're getting into. Educate yourselves on this topic and if you don't read any farther than this blog, think of little Jessi Slaughter and Megan Meier... You can never be too careful...

Ask me anything!

2010-08-11T22:42:00.001-07:00

http://www.formspring.me/SleepSleepMoon

Disappointment.

2010-08-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

I think the most recent disappointing thing that I've learned about myself is that I've truly lost touch with who I am. I look in the mirror and see someone that I'm not supposed to be. I can feel it in my heart that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. I bury everything that bothers me deep inside and I let it eat me up, when I used to be able to speak my mind and know that no matter what, the people I'm talking to would be there for me in the end.

I worry about losing people, even though I have a voice in my soul telling me that maybe they're not supposed to make it to my future. I've lost quite a bit over the last few years, I'm afraid of losing more. I pray for strength everyday and I trust that God will get me through this.

What Path?

2010-07-27T02:34:00.000-07:00

I used to think that I knew exactly what I wanted to be. Now, I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm completely lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing and I hate it. God, please guide me...

Check 1,2,3...

2010-06-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

This was originally posted on Tumblr. I'm copying and pasting because I still have no idea where I'm going to start blogging.

June 2nd, 2010 -

It’s 2:30 in the morning and of course, I can’t sleep. So, I’m sitting here thinking about a whole lot of stuff and going nowhere but crazy with it. My mind is always constantly racing and thoughts just run into each other like wild, blind animals. I can’t hold a steady thought for a minute and it’s really starting to take a toll on me. I’ve been like this for the past couple of years now and if you ask me why, I couldn’t tell you. I’m never at ease and when I am, it’s never for very long.

Growing up, I remember I could sit for hours and write about anything or anyone and everything came together just right; the words, the structure, the thought… Much anymore, I can barely pick up a pen to write just a letter to my aunt. I had a stack of journals that I had kept from fifth grade on up to my senior year, but I stupidly got rid of them. Right now, I’m not in the mood to discuss WHY I got rid of them, but I did. And I regret it. I knew I would…

I’m trying to get back into writing and back into the habit of keeping a journal. There has been so many events that’s happened over the past few years that I really wish I had taken the time out to write them down. But maybe that was for the best… I’m not quite sure.

I’m hoping that blogging will help too. I’m really hoping that maybe if I start pinpointing my thoughts and sorting through them, then maybe my mind could possibly rest some. I know I probably sound a little crazy, but right now, I honestly don’t care. It’s pushing 3 o’clock in the morning and it’s taken me this long to type out this much. Augh.

I know I could use some sleep, but sleep is an issue all on it’s own. And I guess now is a better time than never to work on that…